I am the product of a typical teenage pregnancy. Mom and Dad were young, they were in love; they made love and then out came a baby by the time they were 17. Of course, like most teenage parents, the love didn’t last. They tried to make it work for me. But, when you are kids trying to raise a kid, it’s a bit harder to make a relationship that was probably never meant to be, last. Given the circumstances, my parents did a great job raising me. I spent my time divided between my mom and dad on weekends and my weeks were usually spent with my grandparents. There was never any fighting, they never put me in the middle of their differences, there was no physical, alcohol or drug abuse, I never went with out food or clothes, I have manners and I respect my elders. Great job Ma and Pa!
Being a kid was awesome, I was spoiled by grandparents along with a couple aunt’s and uncles. Pretty much, life was awesome! Becoming a teenager was tough for me. My body was changing, my thoughts and emotions were a bit deeper and my hormones were taking control over me. There were a lot of obstacles and struggles I had to deal with as a teenager and at one point or another I had issues with one of my parents. Sounds like a normal teenager, right? Yeah, no big deal! Becoming an adult has been the hardest phase of my life. I’ve dealt with death, heartbreak, sickness, depression, and tons of mistakes that led to lessons learned. Typical adulthood, or to be completely cliché, I had a lot of moments that can only be explained by the expression, “that’s life for ya”.
Between my teenage years and still to this day I have struggled tremendously with self esteem issues. From childhood I always craved for the attention of my parents, never felt loved or appreciated like a child should. Never felt like I had a home. A lot of my insecurities started because I didn’t have the emotional support that I needed. So, I tried to find love in any other way that I could. Boys! I lost my virginity young. Not because I was mentally ready; but because I wanted to feel some type of affection. I found my first love at a young age. I put all my dreams, hopes and desires into that relationship. Why? The answer is very simple, because HE loved me. I actually felt that love and believed in it. I damaged friendships, I irritated my family and I watched myself flush my dreams down the toilet. I gave love all of my heart and soul, I gave it my blood, sweat and tears. I gave up a lot for love and that love gave up on me. That was my rock bottom.
Finding yourself when you never really knew who you were to begin with can be one the biggest accomplishments that you will ever make in your life. I had to reconstruct my own heart from the pieces I found on the floor. I had to redesign my own brain to learn to accept the past and move forward. I reorganized my priorities, mended friendships and started to dream again. I began to love myself the way I should have as a kid. I’ve accepted my flaws, I’ve recognized my insecurities and I started to believe that I am human and that it’s normal.
Don’t get me wrong, this was not an easy nor a quick process. It took a lot of sleepless nights and long, lonely drives to help me get to this point. Along with some tears, dark phases, bad decisions, some emotional cutting, too many episodes of One Tree Hill and probably a little too much alcohol. But, there were also a lot of nights on a dance floor, tons of laughs, smiles, deep conversations and happy moments that made the road a bit funner to travel. Those are the moments that cured me, the ones that that sewed the pieces together.
Now, when I think back to where I feel it all began, I have such a different perspective on my life. My parents were young and they loved me the way they knew how. They were still being raised as they were raising me. My home is where the heart is and my heart is in mint condition. I was not dealt an unlucky hand in the game of life. It took losing love to help me find me. Every single thing that I have been through in life has made me the exact person that I was meant to be. I am happy, I’m in love with my family and my few best friends will be my soul mates for the rest of my life. I have the confidence I never had before. I no longer shelter my gigantic personality, nor do I hold back my sick and sometimes perverted mind. I am nerdy and I talk in movie quotes or music lyrics. I procrastinate, I forget A LOT and I love to sleep. I am a typical Scorpio and I am such a hopeless romantic. But the most important thing of all is that… When I love, I go hard!!! And I am completely okay with everything that makes me who I am!
If you ever lose yourself, whether its to your work, to your kids, to alcohol, to drugs or to love.. There is a way back, trust me. There will always be you inside, waiting for you to come back! The key point in all of this is also very cliché and corny, but very true. You really can not love anyone the way you should, until you love yourself first.
-Michelle Flores, Age 25
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