Love is Louder

My name is Cathrine and I am Norwegian girl. I heard about Proud and Pretty a few months ago, and I'm finally working up the courage to share my story.

Ever since I was little I have been bullied. I am short (barely 5ft tall) and therefore I was an easy target. Every day I would hear things like "Little My" (after the 'Moomin' character) or Catface (a translated version of how they would distort my name). If I were to go into a bathroom - they would knock on the door and try to pick the lock. Girls would just avoid talking to me altogether.

I was a master at putting on a poker face. I lied a lot so even to this day everyone thinks that all the kids I went to school with are my friends. When in reality I don't speak to any of them anymore. For 12 years I was bullied and/or ignored every day. I grew up in a small place so I was always in school with the same people.

Near the end of high school, one of the guys that bullied me most decided to go after me. During a break he came into my classroom and followed me around. I would tell him to please go away, but he kept moving wherever I would move. And he proceeded to put his hands in my pants. There were people standing around laughing, I can still hear them as I write this. Luckily for me the bell rang, and he ran out.

Now this last part I’ve only ever told one person before. Because it still gives me nightmares. Where I'm back in that classroom. During this there was also a sudden death in my family and I was being harassed by some girls online.  There was a lot going on all at once. I'm ashamed to say my relief at that time was cutting myself.

After high school I ended up moving 8 hours away from where I lived in order to go to another school. This ended up being one of the best things that could have ever happened to me. It was during this year I finally started making some friends and slowly started believing in myself. I even applied to start journalism studies because I had dreamt of that for as long as I can remember.

Today I have finished those journalism studies and I am currently doing things I love, surrounded by friends that are all over the world (and some right here where I live now). I have a tattoo that says “Love is Louder” on my left wrist to remind me of how far I have come. Love IS louder. I am here to tell you that you matter. Your story matters. Bullies can't hold you down unless you let them. You are BEAUTIFUL just the way you are, and you are capable of achieving anything you set your mind to. Live your dream, and don't let anyone take that away from you.

-Cathrine

Bullying, Beauty and the Teen Years

I'm a 17 year old girl with the motivation to inspire and change the world. Well at least try to do so.  I've known Proud and Pretty for a couple of months now and I can say I'm inspired by the organization and by all the inspiring messages it shares. Today, I decided to share my little story that might have an impact on someone.

For a long time I thought it was fair, when people told me I was "ugly" or when they said I was "anorexic" just because I was very thin. I thought it was fair because when I saw myself in the mirror I told myself the exact same things.  Everyone has, at one time, been in this kind of situation. More so I think that a lot of teenagers, including myself, have once in their lives been victim of bullying.

Words can destroy as much as they can help and inspire. So many people are judging based on physical appearance.  As a teenager, I've lived this kind of situation a couple of times and that's why I know it's hard. It's hard hearing people tell you that you are what they call "Ugly" or "Fat" or whatever.  It's been a while now since I've had to face bullying. It happened to me last year, in February, to be exact. There was some guys that I didn't know from my school who were lashing out at me, telling me I was "ugly" and all sorts of things. I was panicked. Literally. I was on the bus so I tried to not cry and not to show them that they were getting to me. I really wanted to say something to them but I was speechless. So I just waited.  When I got home, I told everything to a friend of mine because I couldn't keep it to myself, at least not this time.  The worst thing about it is that after that I was scared to be on the bus because I was afraid that it would happen again. Actually I'm still a little bit scared. I try to avoid them even in high school. And I know that it's kind of stupid and that I shouldn't be scared but I will always remember the feeling I had that day. It's funny because they probably totally forgot about me but I don't think I will ever forget them.

Judgement, bullying and all of this sucks and its very scary. But you know what's worse? Letting them win. Letting them make you think you are anything other than beautiful and capable.  So I would say, don't let people bring you down with their judgements. I know its hard. It's a constant fight. But you are not alone. If you take a closer look you will see it. You can find someone like you. That's why organizations like Proud & Pretty in Pink exist.  When you're young all those things can destroy you but remember that you are BEAUTIFUL because TRUE beauty isn't a thing you see with the eyes, but something you see with your heart.  What matters the most is who you are as a person, the person you choose to be and the difference you want to make in this world. Believe in you and all that you are because you are unique and a real gift to this world! To each person who's reading this, believe it with all your heart.

A huge thank you to Proud & Pretty in Pink, Team True Beauty and all the amazing organizations that help and inspire by the message they share.

-Nabila James
Age 17

I Am the 1 in 3... My Story of Rape and Why I Want to Help V-Day

Two years ago I wrote for "Writings in Pink."  I shared my story of neglect, rape and depression. Today I wanted to share it again because I am helping Proud & Pretty in Pink raise money for a movement that works to end the violence against women and girls.  A movement that can help the little girl I used to be. It's important for us to talk about this.  The more we talk, the more we shed light on a very tragic thing.  1 in 3 women will experience physical or sexual violence in their lifetime.  I am the 1 in 3.  I hope my story helps others come forward and have the strength to rise for justice.

What Proud and Pretty in Pink is doing to raise money for V-Day is amazing!  Often times people don't realize that they know someone that has been through things like this, but there are more of us out there than you think.

Many women keep it in and won't talk about it for a very long time.  I was embarrassed that I let this happen to myself and it took a lot for me to realize that it wasn't my fault and that I should share my story.  I can only hope to help raise money for a movement that helps girls and women like me.  You can read my story here: (A Life I Would Wish on no one.)  

Please donate to V-Day.  Take this opportunity that Proud & Pretty in Pink is giving in order to raise money for such a worth while cause.  They will be selling raffle tickets for great items and they are excepting donations which will all go directly to V-Day.  For every $20.00 donated you will get one raffle ticket for an iPad Mini & Case.  They are doing their best, with the help of sponsors, to raise money for the very amazing V-Day.  Read all the details here: Holiday in Pink Update: Donations and Raffles.  So please, help if you can.

Find out more on the PPP website: www.proudandprettyinpink.com and stay tuned for the awesome Holiday in Pink week happening Dec. 2nd-7th.

From me and everyone else involved in Proud & Pretty in Pink, we thank you for any amount you can give.

-Dominique Ferrell

GROWING from WEAK to INDEPENDENT

     Since I was a baby until today, there has always been violence in my household. Every day there would be drama, negativity, and more drama that I could not get away from. My parents never seemed to get along and would always trash talk each other and about each other to their own children! I had no control over what I would see or hear, no matter how hard I tried. Of course, when I was younger I would not say much because I felt there was nothing I could do to help my parents or the economic problems we were facing. Yet, I knew this was not a household I would experience and be in for much longer.

My way out of this nightmare was school and extracurricular activities. I have been good at school since middle school and I still am now that I am in college. I knew school was something I enjoyed and that would eventually help me break the cycle of financial struggles within my family.

After high school, because I did so great, I received two full ride scholarships to a university. I know I didn’t want to keep living in a house that had screaming, yelling, and just pure negativity so I decided to get out. I thought I had everything set when I decided to move in with a much older boyfriend I met my senior year.  At first, my parents disapproved.  Yet, as time went on, they knew they would not change my mind and that all they could do was support me. 

My first year living away from my parents and with this boyfriend started off great. I knew I was independent, responsible, and most importantly, happy.  Yet, the trend I saw in my parents’ house was starting to begin.  My boyfriend and I would have horrible fights. The difference between my parents and us was that we wouldn’t trash talk each other 24/7.  We knew we loved each other and in the end we could fix our problems.  These fights were only about certain things and they would not happen every single day, but when they did, they were dreadful! At one point in our relationship it did become an everyday thing.  Being around each other always seemed impossible because we would always have something negative that he didn’t want to talk about but I did.  I pushed because I knew I didn’t want to end up like my parents.  I always believed that these fights were my fault, so I went for professional help.  There I found out I never had control over anything as a child, and now in my relationship, I wanted to take control of everything.  Still, I worked to improve myself. 

Up until a recent experience, I realized that most of those fights were not my fault and that what happened to me was not my fault.  One day, I wanted to go out dancing since I do not really get to do so.  At first, my boyfriend did not want to go because he got out of work late and he had plans with his dad the next morning.  Yet, he still decided to go to make me happy.  He invited another couple over, but by the time we were all ready we knew the club was almost closed.  Therefore, we decided to stay home and play a drinking card game.  Long story short, after our friends left we were so drunk, that we blacked out.  The only thing I remember was him physically abusing me. From this, I felt so low and so down on myself that I wanted to hurt myself, so I did. I ended up in the hospital and the next day I could not believe I woke up to stitches in my arm and a black eye. Worst of all, both my boyfriend and I do not remember how this fight started or even why.  Before we blacked out we were happy and not even close to having conflict with each other. We were both so lost and just needed time away from each other. Until this day, we do not know if we will get back together or not.  One thing for sure is that we do love each other but now I know love isn’t enough. 

I went from an abusive household to an abusive relationship.  I have opened my eyes to reality. I am writing this to show you that a woman always needs respect and appreciation. This incident had to happen for this man to realize that he didn’t respect me or appreciate me. I have promised myself not to consume alcohol or be around individuals that do because I know that’s what caused a fight in which I could have lost my life, just as many others have lost their lives. Ladies, just know, this man knows of the promise I have made to myself and knows that the only possible way of us living our lives together would be for him to stay away from alcohol too. If he doesn’t, I know there are better and bigger things out there. Don’t allow anyone to change your mindset just because of love or friendship. Stick to what you believe in and if those people don’t respect what you want, then they are not for you and you’ll find better!

Written by: Marilyn Hawley, Age 19

Nineteen with a Baby

      I am nineteen years old and a single mother of a handsome baby boy whom is one year old. March 27, 2011 was the greatest day of my life. It was the day my precious little boy entered this world. Getting pregnant turned my life upside down. It was the summer after graduation, I was proud to have graduated and getting ready to start the next chapter in my life, college. I had no worries... Everything was all planned out. Then I found out I was pregnant. I was probably one of the last people anyone would think of to get pregnant. I was a bright girl, I made sure to take care of myself, and I thought I knew what I was doing. I never thought it would happen to me, and I was wrong. When I first found out I was in complete shock. My first feeling about the whole thing was loneliness. My child’s father and I had broken up right before graduation. Even though we were still being together when I conceived. When I found out I was pregnant we weren’t really talking.  We were going in different directions in our lives. I didn’t know how to tell him let alone tell anyone in my family. I was three months along when I found out and I knew right away there was no option but keeping my child.  No other thought crossed my mind. Although I knew this could really tear my family apart. I was supposed to be the one who was actually going to do something with my life. My brothers all looked up to me and were beyond proud of everything I was accomplishing in life. In an instant, it all changed. I didn’t know how to embrace my pregnancy or what to think about it. All I wanted to do was hide and that is exactly what I did. I kept it from my family, friends, and even my son’s father. I went on pretending like nothing was changing. I wouldn’t go out and do anything and I wore loose fitting tops so no one would would notice the bulge. Friends would text and call, ask how I’ve been, even wanted to hang out but I always said everything was okay that I was just busy. I remember crying myself to sleep many nights because of the loneliness and the lost feeling I felt. I was afraid of what people would think and say which took a toll on me. When I finally got the courage to tell my brothers, all hell broke loose. They were mad, hurt, and upset. There was an exchange of words, that let’s just say, weren’t the nicest. It’s something we have all moved on from but that is a day I definitely will not forget. Not only did I feel more isolated but I was even more terrified of telling my son’s father. It was a decision that to this day I regret. I was about 5 months before I got the courage and realized it was now or never to tell his dad. I finally told him and I am forever grateful and thankful that he chose to stick by my side even after keeping it from him for so long. After telling him, I was finally ready to embrace my pregnancy and stop hiding. I knew my life was changing in a big way and I knew from the very beginning I loved my child more than anything. It just took a while to really accept things. My perspective on life has changed completely and everything I am doing is for him. I wouldn’t change him for the world but I do look back on things and wish I would have waited.  I would have wanted to be more financially stable and mentally ready. I had to grow up a lot faster than my friends. I am now a full time mother. I work full time, and I go to school. I’m doing everything I can to make sure my son has everything he needs. I want to share my story because I want to let girls know that it’s not easy. It’s one of the hardest things to raise a child while you are barely figuring out your way. Think about the choices you make and the consequences that can occur because of your choices. Every day is a challenge for me but I am proud of everything I have accomplished and I am more than thankful for the family I have and all the support we get.   


Written By: Megan Bustamante
Age: 19

Finding my Light

My Mom

I have been battling depression for a while now, with all I have been through who wouldn’t? I lost my mother a little over a year ago, which pushed me back into a severe depression. I mean every day to me was a challenge.  Getting out of bed to get dressed or wanting to spend any time with my friends or my family was hard. I wanted nothing to do with the outside world. I didn’t care about anyone or what was going on with them in their life. I threatened friendships with my carelessness because what was going on for them, happy or sad, wasn't important to me.  

Anyone that has battled severe depression knows how crippling this can actually be to a person. I have always been a fighter and wouldn’t give up on anything. I am the one that anyone can talk to or depend on when they needed a friend or an ear to vent to.  But when it came to me being the one needing help I felt like I was a failure, that I wasn’t able to be the strong Dominique that everyone knew me as. I felt as if I needed to push myself away from everyone and everything that mattered to make me deal with my struggle and the pain that I had. I started to give up on everything mentally and physically.  I had lost 45 pounds dieting and was so proud of myself, but within 2 months of my depression taking over, I gained it all back and then some.  So on top of all that I was trying to battle mentally, I had and still have body image issues that I battle as well.  I went from being skinny and confident before my kids to fat and frumpy after my babies. I have been seeing a psychiatrist and my regular medical doctor for over a year now and I can say that I am still not all the way in the grass is greener life, but I am trying to become me again and find my happiness. I have had a lot of sadness in my life but also a lot of happiness and Joy. What keeps me going is the love I get from my amazing support system.

My Best Friends

     I have an amazing group of best friends that I have known for most of my life.  These four women aren’t just friends they have been my only consistent family relationship. They are always there to tell me how it is when I need to hear it, or to be my rock when I'm not strong, and my shoulder when I need a place to cry.  Their parents have opened their arms so many times and embraced me as one of their own when I had no one to turn to. They listened when I wanted to talk about what my household was like. I can’t thank the Mogan and Castellanos families enough for the love they have provided me.  Chelsie, Cynthia, Nesha and Michelle what I would be without you is incomplete.  You four are a part of me and have helped me find my light again. I love you all more than friends.  You are like my sisters from another mister :)

My Boys

I also have three wonderful, yet rowdy boys that were the reason I got up every day and tried to show happiness. They are the light that can keep me going when I have nothing to be grateful for or happy about.  Jayce, Jaycob and Jaylin’s faces show the purity in my world and they are my biggest achievement in life.  To some this isn’t an achievement, but to me it is. 

     

My Better Half

The Last, and one of the most important people in my life, is my better half Jeff.  He has been there for me and helped me through some of the most difficult times this past year.  I can’t think of a better father for my boys or life partner for me.  He is such a strong force in my life and to our little family we have made together.  He pushes me to do better and strive for more than what I think is possible for myself.

Country music (mainly Rascal flats)  has also helped me.  I know corny right, but it speaks to me and the songs help me in some weird way.

     

Depression can make you feel like life isn’t worth it or it can even take your will to live.  I was there, I saw the edge many days and just never actually jumped. The saying that we all know is a good reason I am becoming stronger.  “God grant me the serenity to except the things that I can not change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”  I have decided to try and have a better life and not let depression over power me.  I am trying to except what has happened and to live with it with out fighting and running away from it. I can’t change that my mom is gone, but I can come to except that she is no longer here with me and remember our memories together. She is alive in my heart and thoughts. I can change my body image and the way I look at myself with some effort and working out.  So saying that I can’t do it is me being lazy.  I have decided that I can complain about my weight and not do anything or get my lazy butt off the couch, put down the remote and the thin mints, and get on my elliptical and actually do something to change it.

Life is a road map, it has twists and turns, and bumps that turn into mountains. I can’t promise that I will be all roses and happiness but I know that there is a light and I will strive to keep myself in that light.  I will work to see the positive in every situation and hope that my depression doesn’t bring me to where I have been emotionally this past year.  I will move forward, living life with my beautiful family and I will be grateful for this life and what I do have.

Written By: Dominique Ferrell, Age 26

Tumbling Down

Growing up and still now, I have alot to live up to in my family. My brother graduated from high school with a 4.0 GPA and went on to Cal State Fullerton to major in business and finance all while working full time. I come from a family of 5 with a brother and a sister. I am the youngest. Obviously I'm not the smartest of the bunch but I was always teased by my family that I wasn't going to graduate. For a long time I didn't want to nor did I ever dream of attending college. Until my sister and her husband were thinking about moving to Washington and asked if I would move out there with them. I had told her not until after high school and she agreed.  She asked if I wanted to go to college and I told her no. She told me if I was going to live with her that I had to attend college and it got me thinking about what I want to do and where I want to go with my life. This was a brighter look at life for me. 
       The begining of my freshman year in high school I was living an ideal teenage life.  I had a loving family at home, I was on the cheer squad at school, and I had all the friends I needed. Of course there was a little drama here and there but nothing different from any teenage girl. I then experienced something no one should have to go through... I had a nude picture of me sent around school through text message. Many people recieved it including people from other schools in my city. My perfect little world I thought I was living in came tumbling down fast. I recieved phone calls from many people telling me about it. At one point a random girl called and told me, I said I was already aware and asked her nicely not to forward it to anyone.  She replied with "too late" and she hung up. I kept it from my parents as long as I could but I knew they would find out soon. I was terrified. I went to school everyday hoping people wouldn"t recognize me and hoping they wouldnt mention it. I stopped eating lunch out side because I was scared to be seen and I lost so many friends because they didn't want to be seen with me. My family did find out and as did my cheer squad, my coach, and the athletic director. I was extreamly embaressed of myself. I didnt want to be alive at that point but I still went to school everyday and heard people talking about me in the halls. Thanks to my best friend and my family I got through it.  I couldn't have done it without them.  Yes, they were disappointed at the stupid choice I had made but they were by my side the whole time. I learned from my mistake. Come to find out the worst part was I had known the girl who started it since I was 9 and I had a class with her during all this. I am still asked about it all the time and I do tell the story because I am not trying to hide it from anyone. It was a stupid choice I made that is now in the past.  If anyone doesnt want to be my friend because of it then i dont need them. 
     Today I am a strong confident girl on her way to graduating and planing to attend Citurs Community College then transfering either to an all arts school or Cal State Fullerton! <3  


Written By: Rebecca Madrigal, Age 16

I'm OK

I come from a "traditionally ideal" family. My parents are still married, I have great siblings, and my childhood was idyllic...until October 21 of 1995. I was 11 years old and my big brother was my absolute world. At 17 he was wise beyond his years and I knew that any man in my life would have to live up to him...too soon, he was ripped from my life. My brother was senselessly gunned down in a random drive by shooting during a family party. I cried for three days straight and then, I got mad, but not for the right reasons. I was so angry with my brother for leaving. I was truly livid and I promised myself that I'd never find a man who reminded me of him.
    By the time I was 14, I was dating someone much older than me and he was nothing like my brother. For that I was grateful because it meant no reminders. Unfortunately, it also meant he didn't have my best interests at heart. One night I found myself in an inevitable situation. I didn't lose my virginity, but I was forced into an orally sexual act that left me in tears, my soul a little more broken. I made a promise to myself that night. I never wanted to feel that powerless again and I would save myself for the right person.
    That "right" person arrived within my first two years of college. I was 21 and he was the "bee knees", or so I thought. He was never physically abusive, but verbally was another story. 
    At 5'6 and 135 lbs I always felt comfortable in my own skin. He changed all that. The first time we had sex (the first time ever for me) it wasn't beautiful or magical. He commented on everything that was "wrong" with me from my thighs to my chubby cheeks, the list goes on. Every time I ate a meal he would comment on how huge my portions were and how it was no wonder I looked the way I did. By this time, I was so focused on pleasing him that I had lost control of everything else. My grades were suffering, I "hated" my family, food was the devil...this is where my bout with anorexia took shape.
    It was so liberating at first. I'd lie and tell my parents I'd already eaten when, truthfully, I hadn't eaten in days. The control I felt was ridiculous. I chose if I ate or not. ME. Not my mom, not my dad, not my boyfriend, but ME. 
    Within a couple of weeks I was down to 115 lbs, a few more weeks and I was less than 110 lbs. And still, it wasn't enough. I looked sick, I felt sick, my parents didn't know how to help me, but you know what the worst part was? My boyfriend still wasn't pleased with my appearance. Now, I was too thin. He complained he could see my ribs, my hair was thinning out, and makeup couldn't even hide the circles under my eyes anymore. "Basically", he said, "you look terrible. I think we should take a break." And that was my breaking point. Forget broken. My soul felt shattered.
    I went home and cried as I lay in bed. Not only because of him, but also because it hurt to sleep on my hips. I was so thin and it was my fault I let my body hurt like this. That was the night I found my brother again. I begged him to help me. To pull me out of the dark hole I had found myself in. To help me change the course of my life and finally, I forgave him for "leaving".
    The next morning, I woke up and did something exhilirating...I ate breakfast. The next week I did something empowering...I told my ex, "Hell NO!", when he asked to work things out. And I haven't looked back since. 
    At 27, I still have a love/hate relationship with food, but everyday, it gets better. And I miss my brother more than I did yesterday. It terrifies me that I might forget his scent, his laughter, or the way he smiled. But then I find my inner strength and I know that he's always here to remind me...I'm OK.
    
Written By: Ashley Aguillard, Age 27 
   

A Life I Would Wish on No One...

My life has been something that you could use as a lifetime movie plot. I have been through so much and have overcome a lot yet I am still trying to move past even more obstacles in my life . My mom and dad divorced when I was one, this led to many different men coming in and out of my moms life, which left little time for me. She tried her best to make me her number one priority which never really worked. She would always push me to the side for her boyfriends.

My mom met a man and had him move in when I was 9 years old. When you're this young you always think the world is good and your parents, or parent, are supposed to protect you from all things bad. But that didn't happen. Her boyfriend had been living with us for about 3 years and he seemed so nice until one night I woke up and he was lying in my bed naked. I was 12 at the time and had no idea what to do so I did what I could and ran into the bathroom. But this was a grown man and I was a little girl, he grabbed me and threw me on the bed. This was the night I was raped and I lost my virginity in such a vile and horrible way. He looked at me and told me "if you tell your mom she won't believe you, she'll think it's your fault."  I didn't tell my mom because I was too scared, so it continued for years.  I was in hell and never knew what I did to deserve something like this. I wanted to end my life and even grabbed a bottle of Excedrin and started taking them one by one. I got up to 8 and my mom walked in and asked me what I was doing. I just told her I had a headache and she told me to lay down, so I did. Laying there I wished that what I took would've killed me, but it didn't.  I had so much pain and anger inside I didn't know how or who I could talk to about what was going on. My mom was at work and I had my bed against my door.  He pushed his way through, I hit him so he grabbed me and started punching me in the face. I had a busted lip and bruises all over my body and my head. I was in 8th grade and had no way of defending myself. My mom still let him stay and that was the day I lost all respect and love for my mother.

A few weeks before my 15th birthday I found out I was pregnant and I had to lie to my mom because I was too scared to tell her the truth. Too scared to tell her that her so called "perfect man" was raping her daughter when she was gone.  Because of that, I ended up pregnant. When she asked me what happened I told her I met a guy and I didn't know where he was now. I hated my mom so much because she let this monster in and she didn't see what he was doing or how miserable and depressed I truly was. I had an abortion and until this day I haven't been able to forgive myself for doing it. He would call my phone, calling me names and telling me how worthless I was and my mom still let him stay. He went to jail at the beginning of my junior year of high school for another crime.  This felt like the horrible nightmare I was in was finally over.  I finally felt like I could sleep without fear. I remember one of my best friends telling me that I looked different. She said I seemed happier.  No one knew what my life had been like for those 5 years but me, so yes I was happier and I finally felt like I was going to have ME back!

I think everything that happened led to me doing things I'm not proud of just so I felt in control of my own life and body. I slept around a lot and had no concern for myself. After graduation I started seeing a man. He was the first man that made me feel safe. I told him everything that had happened to me and he made me realize how strong I was and it was as if he gave me my self-esteem back.  He was my backbone when I needed to tell my mom what happened to me. Her boyfriend was coming home and I couldn't do this any longer, I couldn't be a prisoner to him any more. When I told her she didn't believe me. He told her it was consensual. I moved out that same day when she took his side. 

After some time I found out I was pregnant with my first born. This gave me the courage to tell my Mom it was either me and your grandchild or this monster. My mom, for the first time, chose me and kicked him out and cut all ties to him.  That was the turning point in our relationship. We built up so much from there. She became my best friend and I loved her so much.  When my mom passed away, at the age of 51, it was very unexpected and I miss her so much each day.  Her death has put me in a dark place and I have pushed so many people away. I have had so much hurt and anger because I feel like I just got our relationship back 6 years ago and now its gone again forever.

With the help of my amazing boyfriend, of now 9 years, and my friends, I have started to see the light at the end of the tunnel. My only regret is that my mom wanted to hear me say I forgave her for letting him in our home. I did forgive her before she passed away, but I never told her. I thought I would have more time and I wish I had, because now I have to live with the fact that she never knew. What happened to me was no ones fault she didn't know and I never said anything, so how could she.

My father was never consistent in my life. Maybe if he was then I might not have endured so much at a young age.  I was just another child out there with his last name.  We have never had a relationship and I thought we never would, but something inside me changed and I felt like I needed to give him a chance to be in my life and meet his grandchildren. I did reconnect with him and so far he hasn't disappointed me.  He has spent holidays with us and celebrated my kids birthdays as well. The man I once thought would be just the "sperm donor" to me has actually turned into my father and I've grown to love him again. I'm not saying that all is forgiven and we are great, but maybe one day we will be there.

I have overcome a lot and I continue to fight through my depression every day. I now see a therapist and my dark tunnel is finally filling up with a little light.  My life has been consumed with a lot of sadness but I have also have had a lot of joy and happiness. There are still moments that take my breath away and those are the ones that keep me going. I have been at rock bottom and I have also been at the top, there's no shame in either.  Life is like riding a roller coaster blind, you can't map out what will happen.  Don't dwell on what bad has happened in your life or regret a decision.  Simply learn from it and think of it as a life experience.  If I hadn't went through everything I have I wouldn't be the strong and independent hardworking loving mother I am today.

I wanted to tell my story, not for sympathy, but because if there is one person out there that I can help, its worth it. Anyone who has been or is being raped or that is battling depression and loss, seek help and don't look at it as a weakness. Strength is fighting back and not letting the situation overcome the person you are. 

Just remember there is a light at the end of every tunnel, you will get there and will overcome even the hardest situation. God only gives a person what they can handle, so be strong through every obstacle you encounter.

Written By: Dominique Ferrell, Age 26

A Girl Fighting to be Invisible: A Short Short Story

     I know a girl who is different from all the other girls around her.  She is caring, intelligent, beautiful, uncomfortable, weak, strong, worried, anxious, and determined.  She lives her life slightly different from the girls at her school and the ones you see in the media.  She doesn’t read magazines and wish she could look like the girl on the cover.  She reads magazines and wishes she could change the girl on the cover.  She doesn’t watch reality TV and wish her life were more like the lives of the girls on those shows.  She wishes she could help those girls so they didn’t feel the need to play those roles.  She wishes the girls at her school would leave her alone and stop judging her because she is different.  She wants them to see who she really is or not see her at all.  She cries late at night because she feels helpless against the many pressures she faces on a day-to-day basis.   She gets up in the morning dreading the day and hoping for something positive to come along to pass the time.  She feels the eyes of all those around her, piercing her skin and casting emotional stones.  She feels empowered in her room all by herself, but defeated the second she enters a room full of her peers.  She writes, she listens to music, she dances to the beat of her own drum.  She looks in the mirror and is conflicted because what she see’s is beauty but what she feels deep down is repulsive.  She is angry at the fact that she has allowed others to somewhat define the person she is.  She has let them break her slightly and she has let them in, even though they are un-deserving.  Their words weaken her, their looks scar her, and the very sight of them makes her want to run away.  She decides that it would be easier to become just like everyone else.  Maybe then she would be left alone.  This way no one could see her differences.  No one would look at her any differently then they looked at everyone else.  No one would talk about her because there was no longer anything to talk about.  She fights to conform and learns to make herself invisible.  She is finally left alone.  They forget about her and they no longer see her.  She lives confined to her independence and for a while it feels great.  She writes her stories, she sings her songs, and she dances to her own choreography.  But soon she realizes that her stories lack inspiration and emotion.  Her voice sounds monotone and dancing becomes a boring routine rather then a release of physical emotion.  She sits and wonders what has happened to her.  She does not feel like herself.  She is empty, lonely, and bored.  She wants to make a difference but in order to make that difference she has to be noticed.  She needs people to talk about her and to see her.  She realizes that the pain that came from not fitting in is what gave her the creativity needed to do the things she loved.  She realized that in order to change the girls on the magazines and in the tv shows she had to be true to herself or she was no different from all of them.  She let her surroundings dictate the person she turned into.  She let them win, just as girls do everyday when they succumb to peer pressure and pressure from the media.  She was pressured into becoming a different person, one who unlike her real self, gave up and quit.  The invisible wore off.  What made her different came back and people saw her again.  They talked, they looked, and they did the same things they did before.  The difference this time was their actions no longer mattered.  Their looks gave her determination, their words gave her motivation, and the sight of these people helped her see that you can never be your true different self unless you are brave enough to say no to becoming invisible.  There will always be something in your way when trying to find yourself.  Sometimes you will cry and hurt.  Sometimes your own thoughts can be intimidating.  But in the end, your everyday interaction with the world around you builds your very being.  You can let it consume you and drag you down or you can use it as a fuel to your creative energy.  You can share your stories with others in order to help them see that they are not alone.  You can work to convince girls that they are more than a pretty face or that their lives can be better spent on more important things rather then being cheap entertainment for others.  Why waste your individuality and try to become invisible.  Embrace it and know that the very essence of your  individual being is what will help change this world.  This girl should sound a little familiar, because she lives in each one of us.  Some of us may work hard to fit in but we are all different.  Some choose to embrace the difference while others will waste their time here, trying to cover it up.

To all the individuals out there, it is time to stop hiding behind conformity.  It is time to let others know that their words, looks and actions will never break you.  We need more leaders.  We do not need any more girls trying to be like everyone else, trying to be “invisible.”  Because when you do become just another face, just another girl who looks and acts like everyone else, your ability to be seen disappears.  There has never been a better time to be a girl, will you take advantage of this time or fight to become invisible?

Written By: Chelsie Mogan