When do you step out of In-Between?

I wrote a poem several years ago about being forever the In-Between girl. The in-between girl is the girl who is always just missing that magic moment. They would love to be with you but they're moving out of state or live in Spain or are getting deployed for 17 years. They think you're amazing but you are too much or too good for them or not "girlfriend material". When I wrote this poem, I assumed that the condition was chronic. That you went from In-between to player to cougar and then moved in with your best friend and lived a life slightly similar to Thelma and Louise. But after a few years of playing this role, walking down this path, I realize that I was wrong.

You don't stay in between forever. One day you wake up and say "This isn't enough. You are not fulfilling me. I deserve love for longer than it takes for you to leave or find someone new." And this realization is terrifying. It takes away an identity that for so long has been a band-aid covering up something that needed stitches. One day, you get stitched up, and then that gap closes, and you are left wondering where to go now that you are able to use all of your heart. How do you use all of your heart with that scar there reminding you that it could be broken again? Will people see your scar and think it is ugly? Will you ever realize the scar can be beautiful?

 Sometimes instead of facing the world in all your new vulnerable glory, you hang out where you used to be comfortable, in the in between. But the scene has changed. You don't know the regulars anymore, or you don't relate. It's not fun and exciting, but exhausting and leaves you feeling empty. The attention is easy to get, but hard to enjoy. So you look back at what you wanted before you fell in-between. You learn to say no. You learn to be alone and find bliss in the company of your silence. And no matter how many times you fall back a step, you take two more forward toward something better...

 So I was right when I said "say goodbye to the In Between girl," not because she has become lost, but because maybe, finally, she found herself :)

 In Between Girl - Janssen 2009
 Have you ever heard of the In Between Girl?
"I'm not sure what I want" and "we're just friends, right?" Girl..
Used and abused, only there to amuse
While you wait for better you give her a whirl.

 She plays her part with great wit, I must say
Lets you see other girls and pretends she's okay
Deep down inside there is something she hides
but she sits back and tries not to feel anyways.

 After a while of being a pawn
the identity given begins to hold on.
It happens so fast, and the side effects last
When being the In Between Girl is prolonged.

 She acts like she's strong, yeah this life's what she wants
Acting out, getting drunk, she's got attitude to flaunt
She knows it's not right, still she can't seem to fight
The high of always getting out of men what she wants

 But truth gets lost in her little game
She starts to feel pleasure from all of the pain
Bite a little bit harder, push a little bit farther
She's insatiable now, impossible to tame.

 What ever happened to the In Between Girl?
Open heart, bright eyed girl who wished for the world
Some scars never heal, now her heart has been sealed
Say goodbye to the In Between Girl...

Written By: Janssen Judge, Age: 23
This writing is from Janssen's personal blog:  janssenrenee.blogspot.com