A Life I Would Wish on No One...

My life has been something that you could use as a lifetime movie plot. I have been through so much and have overcome a lot yet I am still trying to move past even more obstacles in my life . My mom and dad divorced when I was one, this led to many different men coming in and out of my moms life, which left little time for me. She tried her best to make me her number one priority which never really worked. She would always push me to the side for her boyfriends.

My mom met a man and had him move in when I was 9 years old. When you're this young you always think the world is good and your parents, or parent, are supposed to protect you from all things bad. But that didn't happen. Her boyfriend had been living with us for about 3 years and he seemed so nice until one night I woke up and he was lying in my bed naked. I was 12 at the time and had no idea what to do so I did what I could and ran into the bathroom. But this was a grown man and I was a little girl, he grabbed me and threw me on the bed. This was the night I was raped and I lost my virginity in such a vile and horrible way. He looked at me and told me "if you tell your mom she won't believe you, she'll think it's your fault."  I didn't tell my mom because I was too scared, so it continued for years.  I was in hell and never knew what I did to deserve something like this. I wanted to end my life and even grabbed a bottle of Excedrin and started taking them one by one. I got up to 8 and my mom walked in and asked me what I was doing. I just told her I had a headache and she told me to lay down, so I did. Laying there I wished that what I took would've killed me, but it didn't.  I had so much pain and anger inside I didn't know how or who I could talk to about what was going on. My mom was at work and I had my bed against my door.  He pushed his way through, I hit him so he grabbed me and started punching me in the face. I had a busted lip and bruises all over my body and my head. I was in 8th grade and had no way of defending myself. My mom still let him stay and that was the day I lost all respect and love for my mother.

A few weeks before my 15th birthday I found out I was pregnant and I had to lie to my mom because I was too scared to tell her the truth. Too scared to tell her that her so called "perfect man" was raping her daughter when she was gone.  Because of that, I ended up pregnant. When she asked me what happened I told her I met a guy and I didn't know where he was now. I hated my mom so much because she let this monster in and she didn't see what he was doing or how miserable and depressed I truly was. I had an abortion and until this day I haven't been able to forgive myself for doing it. He would call my phone, calling me names and telling me how worthless I was and my mom still let him stay. He went to jail at the beginning of my junior year of high school for another crime.  This felt like the horrible nightmare I was in was finally over.  I finally felt like I could sleep without fear. I remember one of my best friends telling me that I looked different. She said I seemed happier.  No one knew what my life had been like for those 5 years but me, so yes I was happier and I finally felt like I was going to have ME back!

I think everything that happened led to me doing things I'm not proud of just so I felt in control of my own life and body. I slept around a lot and had no concern for myself. After graduation I started seeing a man. He was the first man that made me feel safe. I told him everything that had happened to me and he made me realize how strong I was and it was as if he gave me my self-esteem back.  He was my backbone when I needed to tell my mom what happened to me. Her boyfriend was coming home and I couldn't do this any longer, I couldn't be a prisoner to him any more. When I told her she didn't believe me. He told her it was consensual. I moved out that same day when she took his side. 

After some time I found out I was pregnant with my first born. This gave me the courage to tell my Mom it was either me and your grandchild or this monster. My mom, for the first time, chose me and kicked him out and cut all ties to him.  That was the turning point in our relationship. We built up so much from there. She became my best friend and I loved her so much.  When my mom passed away, at the age of 51, it was very unexpected and I miss her so much each day.  Her death has put me in a dark place and I have pushed so many people away. I have had so much hurt and anger because I feel like I just got our relationship back 6 years ago and now its gone again forever.

With the help of my amazing boyfriend, of now 9 years, and my friends, I have started to see the light at the end of the tunnel. My only regret is that my mom wanted to hear me say I forgave her for letting him in our home. I did forgive her before she passed away, but I never told her. I thought I would have more time and I wish I had, because now I have to live with the fact that she never knew. What happened to me was no ones fault she didn't know and I never said anything, so how could she.

My father was never consistent in my life. Maybe if he was then I might not have endured so much at a young age.  I was just another child out there with his last name.  We have never had a relationship and I thought we never would, but something inside me changed and I felt like I needed to give him a chance to be in my life and meet his grandchildren. I did reconnect with him and so far he hasn't disappointed me.  He has spent holidays with us and celebrated my kids birthdays as well. The man I once thought would be just the "sperm donor" to me has actually turned into my father and I've grown to love him again. I'm not saying that all is forgiven and we are great, but maybe one day we will be there.

I have overcome a lot and I continue to fight through my depression every day. I now see a therapist and my dark tunnel is finally filling up with a little light.  My life has been consumed with a lot of sadness but I have also have had a lot of joy and happiness. There are still moments that take my breath away and those are the ones that keep me going. I have been at rock bottom and I have also been at the top, there's no shame in either.  Life is like riding a roller coaster blind, you can't map out what will happen.  Don't dwell on what bad has happened in your life or regret a decision.  Simply learn from it and think of it as a life experience.  If I hadn't went through everything I have I wouldn't be the strong and independent hardworking loving mother I am today.

I wanted to tell my story, not for sympathy, but because if there is one person out there that I can help, its worth it. Anyone who has been or is being raped or that is battling depression and loss, seek help and don't look at it as a weakness. Strength is fighting back and not letting the situation overcome the person you are. 

Just remember there is a light at the end of every tunnel, you will get there and will overcome even the hardest situation. God only gives a person what they can handle, so be strong through every obstacle you encounter.

Written By: Dominique Ferrell, Age 26