Finding my Light

My Mom

I have been battling depression for a while now, with all I have been through who wouldn’t? I lost my mother a little over a year ago, which pushed me back into a severe depression. I mean every day to me was a challenge.  Getting out of bed to get dressed or wanting to spend any time with my friends or my family was hard. I wanted nothing to do with the outside world. I didn’t care about anyone or what was going on with them in their life. I threatened friendships with my carelessness because what was going on for them, happy or sad, wasn't important to me.  

Anyone that has battled severe depression knows how crippling this can actually be to a person. I have always been a fighter and wouldn’t give up on anything. I am the one that anyone can talk to or depend on when they needed a friend or an ear to vent to.  But when it came to me being the one needing help I felt like I was a failure, that I wasn’t able to be the strong Dominique that everyone knew me as. I felt as if I needed to push myself away from everyone and everything that mattered to make me deal with my struggle and the pain that I had. I started to give up on everything mentally and physically.  I had lost 45 pounds dieting and was so proud of myself, but within 2 months of my depression taking over, I gained it all back and then some.  So on top of all that I was trying to battle mentally, I had and still have body image issues that I battle as well.  I went from being skinny and confident before my kids to fat and frumpy after my babies. I have been seeing a psychiatrist and my regular medical doctor for over a year now and I can say that I am still not all the way in the grass is greener life, but I am trying to become me again and find my happiness. I have had a lot of sadness in my life but also a lot of happiness and Joy. What keeps me going is the love I get from my amazing support system.

My Best Friends

     I have an amazing group of best friends that I have known for most of my life.  These four women aren’t just friends they have been my only consistent family relationship. They are always there to tell me how it is when I need to hear it, or to be my rock when I'm not strong, and my shoulder when I need a place to cry.  Their parents have opened their arms so many times and embraced me as one of their own when I had no one to turn to. They listened when I wanted to talk about what my household was like. I can’t thank the Mogan and Castellanos families enough for the love they have provided me.  Chelsie, Cynthia, Nesha and Michelle what I would be without you is incomplete.  You four are a part of me and have helped me find my light again. I love you all more than friends.  You are like my sisters from another mister :)

My Boys

I also have three wonderful, yet rowdy boys that were the reason I got up every day and tried to show happiness. They are the light that can keep me going when I have nothing to be grateful for or happy about.  Jayce, Jaycob and Jaylin’s faces show the purity in my world and they are my biggest achievement in life.  To some this isn’t an achievement, but to me it is. 

     

My Better Half

The Last, and one of the most important people in my life, is my better half Jeff.  He has been there for me and helped me through some of the most difficult times this past year.  I can’t think of a better father for my boys or life partner for me.  He is such a strong force in my life and to our little family we have made together.  He pushes me to do better and strive for more than what I think is possible for myself.

Country music (mainly Rascal flats)  has also helped me.  I know corny right, but it speaks to me and the songs help me in some weird way.

     

Depression can make you feel like life isn’t worth it or it can even take your will to live.  I was there, I saw the edge many days and just never actually jumped. The saying that we all know is a good reason I am becoming stronger.  “God grant me the serenity to except the things that I can not change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”  I have decided to try and have a better life and not let depression over power me.  I am trying to except what has happened and to live with it with out fighting and running away from it. I can’t change that my mom is gone, but I can come to except that she is no longer here with me and remember our memories together. She is alive in my heart and thoughts. I can change my body image and the way I look at myself with some effort and working out.  So saying that I can’t do it is me being lazy.  I have decided that I can complain about my weight and not do anything or get my lazy butt off the couch, put down the remote and the thin mints, and get on my elliptical and actually do something to change it.

Life is a road map, it has twists and turns, and bumps that turn into mountains. I can’t promise that I will be all roses and happiness but I know that there is a light and I will strive to keep myself in that light.  I will work to see the positive in every situation and hope that my depression doesn’t bring me to where I have been emotionally this past year.  I will move forward, living life with my beautiful family and I will be grateful for this life and what I do have.

Written By: Dominique Ferrell, Age 26